Screenplay - Please Read and Post Comments!

Kim Welch

Senior Member
Staff member
I read it and I liked it

I read it and I liked it

I read it and I liked it. The smart witty replies from the poor guy make it comical and interesting. I think it is the fact that even a poor homeless type can be smart and articulate. I think there is more room for this facet in the script. I noticed one grammar mistake in the part where the man is kicking him and he starts screaming. I think you mean the poor man starts screaming. I also thought there might be some divine element or spiritual thing that was going to happen at the end - like this guy is the devil or something. I think it might be a good twist if he sorta fades out and vanishes as he struts away stead of walking humbly or something like that. I don’t know but just an Idea. What made me think this was the fact that he knew about the Bully in second grade. Overall I like this very much for a little shorty and it looks like a fun one to shoot. I bet the actors will really enjoy these characters.


Truly
Kim
 

DBXMe2

New member
Let me start off by telling you that I am a very critical reader....

OK now with that said, I'll start by stating the obvious..

its cute... I like the idea of the man sitting on the bench and the not so well dressed man comming to take what he wants by outwitting the rich man.

now the critical stuff ^_^

and I'm keeping this very vague. The story and events that unfold, happen because they must happen in order for the wealthy man to get caught. This is cute...

I dont know what you intent to produce this into, on Film or Video? but I can tell it will be about 5-7 minutes depending on paceing...

besides that, if its a script for actor, just write the simple action he must do.. Ex. Wealthy man picks up coffee, sets it down beside him. Picks up news paper, and Man#2 comes and sits down besides him.

then Dialogue.... etc...

the way you written the actions sound like they should be in the synopsis... To sell your idea a Synopsis in this way is great, because we get the wit etc. To sell the script, some people might not like that...

most people just read the synopsis.. then if its a good one, they read the script...

Anyway, you've got a good screenplay to make into a short. Hope to see the final product...

PS, Casting is KEy for this screen play. It can make, or break the humor in your film.

Hope I wasnt to harsh
DBXMe2
 
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